I fantasized for years about a place

…about creating an “abyss” online where I could just scream without words. Just scream this animalistic agony that is so much more gutteral then words can ever describe or capture.

I would think how would it work, what would it look like, feel like, and what was the purpose of me obsessing over this for so long?

But I did and I thought..

…It would have to be a safe place.

..Maybe it needed to have some confidentiality to preserve the purpose of this being a sanctuary for the people in agony.

Two seconds into this fantasy, the idea of opening an abyss to peoples most gutteral agony became overwhelming. Which every time, made me feel like a failure of not being strong enough to create this sanctuary that I truly believed would help people heal just because the simple step of having a place to go in your most darkest of moments and likely in self-isolation to be heard. By someone, anyone, but with the comfort of it being somewhat abstract.

An abyss with an abstract step toward reconnecting with others to me, can feel safe.

It also begins to allow yourself to step out somewhere to satisfy your need to be heard, on your own terms.

So, it has been years that I have been wrestling with this riddle that would not go away (for the long-term).

What is it that I really wanted to create? What is it that I want to exclaim to the world? What would be so satisfying and exciting to me that would drive me into a long-term commitment?

The abyss of agony just did not feel like the right fit for me. I cannot sustain and due justice to a commitment of that magnitude. It is definitely not a long-term place I wanted to experience myself, much less hosting.

I do feel like there is some validity to the idea and if it does not exist, maybe it should someday.

Because I know how it feels to want exactly what I just described. Maybe with technology it can become a creation that otherwise would never be possible.

Published by Trudy Sobocienski

My blog, "Beyond Leadership" is a creative place to share my personal feelings and thoughts while working in leadership roles for a variety of Alaska Native organizations, both for and not-for profit entities. An incredible leader and mentor of mine once asked while we were in Washington, DC, "What happened to you between the ages of 7-10 that motivated you to serve in a native leadership capacity". I was struck by that poignant thought and as such, include actual entries from my mother and my diaries beginning in the early 1970's. I enjoy sharing these excerpts because it captures the parallels she and I were experiencing throughout life, from two separate worldviews. Hers as a young mother of four and mine as her eldest child. I have never came across a book on leadership that lays bare a leaders personal feelings, thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams they were experiencing. So for me, my goal is two-fold: 1. Share the incredible life my parents created for my siblings and I growing up in remote Alaska; and, 2) Sharing my humanity, through my personal diaries and journals, while serving as the youngest-ever President/CEO for the Alaska Native Health Board. There are passages that will include significant policy issues I was working on throughout my career and travels. There are many more passages that do not. I cannot speak for my mom's passages, because I am reading them as I share them here, with you; with her permission of course.

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