Diary Entries

Footprints. He Carried me.

This is the truth. I lived through and have been firmly wrapped up in my filtered view which is the bad shit that happened to me and how I warped my own sense of reality to embrace and survive. I made myself out to be helping because my cousin’s life was so fucked up. I heard my parents talking about how much they were protecting him and that he required so much protection. So when he and his brother Billy V were babysitting me at the Trading Post, they had me on a bean bag. When my parents came home from the bar, I told them that they were being mean to me. I was a toddler. I didn’t know the right words. My parents cussed those boys out and told the they had to be nice to me.

So when he kept on doing that to me, I never said to my parents again that he was being mean to me. Because they didn’t stop having him around me. I was too little to know how to say it and my parents never thought of anything as vile as that to be aware of.


“Experts” love to talk about communication and two-way communication; and the lack thereof.

Communicating is wrongfully defined as talking and expressing

Communication is so much more.

Communication is listening, receiving information, coming to a conclusion about what the message was, and reacting, acting, or brushing off the message.

The silent message that the toddler/child receives because of the lack of action from their parents because they are a toddler and do not know how to say the exact thing. That disconnect warped my reality of feeling protected, safe, or secure. They don’t even know if what is happening to them is wrong after the predator wins over the parents and takes pleasure in the confusion the child is abandoned with.

He Carries Me

By Trudy Sobocienski

My blog, "Beyond Leadership" is a creative place to share my personal feelings and thoughts while working in leadership roles for a variety of Alaska Native organizations, both for and not-for profit entities.

An incredible leader and mentor of mine once asked while we were in Washington, DC, "What happened to you between the ages of 7-10 that motivated you to serve in a native leadership capacity". I was struck by that poignant thought and as such, include actual entries from my mother and my diaries beginning in the early 1970's.

I enjoy sharing these excerpts because it captures the parallels she and I were experiencing throughout life, from two separate worldviews. Hers as a young mother of four and mine as her eldest child.
I have never came across a book on leadership that lays bare a leaders personal feelings, thoughts, hopes, fears and dreams they were experiencing.

So for me, my goal is two-fold:

1. Share the incredible life my parents created for my siblings and I growing up in remote Alaska; and,

2) Sharing my humanity, through my personal diaries and journals, while serving as the youngest-ever President/CEO for the Alaska Native Health Board.

There are passages that will include significant policy issues I was working on throughout my career and travels. There are many more passages that do not.

I cannot speak for my mom's passages, because I am reading them as I share them here, with you; with her permission of course.

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